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Series Of Grief By Anoosha Aarzoo

“O my Eyes, Your Betrayal”

“O my eyes, your betrayal has caused me such sorrow.
Every night, awake and restless, I now seek refuge from your evil.”

In her room, she sat on her bed, her laptop open, its screen casting a pale light across her face. She was crying continuously, her face wet with tears. A video played on the laptop screen; she kept closing and opening her eyes, yet the tears wouldn’t stop.

She was in pain, and she saw no way to end it. She closed the laptop, stood up, took a shower, and then began to pray after purifying herself. Tears still rolled down her face; now she cried with hiccups.

She started reciting Surah Al-Fatiha, but her tongue stammered. The video kept replaying in her mind. She tried to regain her focus, but her words kept breaking, she couldn’t complete Surah Al-Fatiha. Her sins came before her again and again, yet she didn’t give up. She tried once more to recite Surah Al-Fatiha, but all in vain; she burst into tears.

Her patience gave way, and she fell into prostration. “Oh Allah, please forgive me, please forgive me. I have tried my best, but I have failed. How do I stop myself? How do I protect myself? Oh Allah, please protect me.”

Suddenly, her room’s door opened. She felt someone’s hand on her shoulder; someone lifted her from that position. Her prayer felt unanswered, forgiveness seemingly out of reach….at least, that’s what she felt. She looked up. Her sister was leaning toward her, her eyes filled with sorrow and pain. She wanted to ask her the reason for her tears, but she was out of words. She knew that when a matter is entrusted to Allah, it is no longer meant to be spoken of to people.

Her eyes carried regret and dejection, as if she herself had broken her own trust. Looking at her sister, she embraced her, bursting into tears, crying like a baby. After a while, her sister gently pulled away and wiped her tears. She felt great pity for her. As she cried, she thought…if her sister were to know about her sins, would she still sit with her like that? Would she still have any affection for her? And the answer was always no.

She had started hating herself too. Some sins diminish us in our own esteem. But Allah (SWT) is the Most Merciful. He did not reveal her secrets to anyone, nor did He disgrace her before the world.

“I don’t know why you are crying, or what it is that keeps you restless, and I won’t even ask. Because when a matter is entrusted to Allah (SWT), it is not meant to be discussed with people. It is then meant to be endured with patience while waiting for His mercy. He is the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. He will never let your tears go in vain. I just want to tell you that being patient despite your sins is also a good deed. Learn to remain patient with yourself and your mistakes. May Allah (SWT) bless your heart with peace and ease your pain.”

When she finished speaking, her sister comforted her with these words. In the end, she kissed her forehead and quietly walked away. When we are broken, we seek solitude; we long to feel Allah beside us. She understood that, so she left her under the mercy of Allah (SWT).

After she left, she started crying again. The dark circles around her eyes had become visible, and her face was turning red. How many tears would she shed today? How much had she already cried? She had no idea.

All she wanted was her relationship with Allah (SWT) back.

She fell into prostration once again. She was unable to complete even a single Surah. Again and again, she would stop just to ask for hidayah, for the right path, as if something within her was holding her back each time. Her tongue struggled to utter the words, trembling between broken breaths and silent sobs.

It felt as if a seal had been placed upon her heart. She kept drowning in overthinking, terrified that Allah (SWT) hated her. Allah is the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful… but would she ever be able to face herself again? Would she ever be able to forgive herself?

Her lips trembled as she continuously whispered, “Oh Allah, forgive me… forgive me… forgive me.”

Then, under a strange pull in her heart, she lifted her head and reached for the Qur’an resting on her shelf. The very first ayah her eyes fell upon was:

“Allah loves those who seek forgiveness.”

Her tears began to fall once more. She closed the Qur’an and held it tightly against her chest. How much her Allah loved her…that even after such a great sin, He was still telling her that He loved her. Indeed, He alone is worthy of being called the Lord of the heavens and the earth, the One who alone deserves to be worshipped, the One from whom everything is asked.

While crying, her eyes suddenly fell upon her laptop. Her lips pressed together as a certain thought crossed her mind. Slowly, she stood up, placed the Qur’an back onto the shelf, and stepped toward the closed laptop. Her eyes burned with rage.

She grabbed it and smashed it against the wall.

Her fists tightened as she stared at the broken pieces scattered across the floor. Then she took a deep breath and collapsed onto the ground, whimpering continuously.

“What did I gain from all of this? What did the betrayal of my eyes ever give me? Neither the peace of this world, nor anything except torment in the Hereafter…”

Her regret had reached its peak.

Her pain outweighed every other emotion, every other hope. She believed the Almighty is Most Merciful, yet at the same time she was haunted by the thought that she had repeatedly fallen into the same sin even after seeking forgiveness countless times. How would she face Allah on the Day of Judgment?

Her chest felt as if it would burst from the weight of that anguish. Through her sobs, she whispered, “Allah…” and stared at the ceiling. Her tear-stained face carried the sorrow of years.

The End…